HCOM 214: Interpersonal COMM & Conflict

Learning interpersonal communication skills to improve every part of our lives


Negative Feedback

Earlier this semester i was at the otter express with some of my friends, and I told one of my friends i want to go to Spain to study abroad and she immediately shut me down by saying no you won’t. She said it with no hesitation and completely confident she was right about it. In recent months i have met many new people some of whom have studied abroad and have told how it was a great experience.  I’ve also met people who are going in the fall and have told how excited they are to go. After listening to all of these people stories  and dreams of studying abroad i was inspired to look at programs and see places i might want to go. I’ve done two semesters of Spanish already so Spain immediately stood out i really like the language. Spain looked like a place that i really wanted to go it was a new place with a different culture i had not yet experienced. So when my friend immediately shut down my idea i asked her why, she responded with ” you always say you’ll do things but will just be joking about it”. In the past i have done this but try to make it obvious. When she shut me down i felt mad because i was very serious about going at the time, and she hurt my feelings i felt a harsh tension with her until i talked to her about it. I think negative feedback can at times be constructive at times. Sometimes the people giving feedback might just know you very well and have heard you say similar things and already know how it will turn out. After talking to my friend about why she said it she had a valid reason i often become passionate about something for a week or two then forget about it. so she helped me realize i often pick up large interest then forget about them later. although her comment hurt my feelings it helped me realize that i often do things like this.

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Listening vs Critism



The person I consider an effective listener would be a friend back at San Diego. The many reasons why I can always count on her to listen than other close friends is because she demonstrates nonverbal gestures as nodding her head, good eye contact, and positive and supportive feedback. The reasons why her supportive feedback and backchannel cues as nodding, is the best quality for an effective listener is because her feedback does not contain judgment, criticism, or a quick way to solve the problem or the situation. In my point of view when I talk to others, they automatically want to give feedback in how to solve or open a new topic or experience they similar had to mine. Listening is about demonstrating you are analyzing their information and give your total attention to the speaker without any distractions or demonstration of noncaring of the conversation. What I really appreciate about my friend listening skill is that if I’m speaking and she interrupts me, at least she will ask questions for clarification or to have more details about the topic, which it demonstrates that she is listening and having her total focus on me.

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Active Listening

I feel like it is hard to have conversations with people in society today. I can have conversations with numerous amounts of people that I enjoy, but there is one person I can always count on. My boyfriend, Derek is someone I can always count on when I am talking. The way he gives me attention and listens is something I would not trade. I feel like people could be all different kinds of listeners from this chapter. Depending on what kind of mood you are in especially. For the majority of time though, Derek always gives me his full and undivided attention. I know I can always count on him giving me positive feedback such as: head nodding, direct eye contact, and facial expressions. To me, this means a lot because I was raised to give people my attention while someone is speaking you. I would consider Derek being a people-oriented listener. We always appreciate the time we get to talk and cherish the time we are able to have between having a fully loaded schedule. Balancing school, work, the gym, friends, and a relationship is not easy, but we always look forward to having our time to talk and ask how our days are going and how we are feeling. Another thing I admire about his listening is how he never goes on his phone when I am talking to him. Nothing irritates me more if I am trying to have a conversation with someone and they are texting or scrolling on social media, especially if this takes place in a restaurant. I feel like it is hard in today’s society to find people who can actually put their phones down for an hour to enjoy a meal with someone they care about. Sometimes it makes me feel old-fashioned, but it makes me appreciate the way I was raised and how I give people the respect of listening, just as I would like to receive back.

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Listening for the Wrong Reasons…

I feel like often I have a problem where I will listen for the wrong reason. Almost all the time, I listen with the intent of giving support and helping and on occasion this will bite me later. For example, when I said something to one of my coworkers and the asked me to repeat myself about five times before I realized it was just a joke being played on me, rather than them actually having comprehension issues. Maybe I’m just a loser, but that didn’t seem very considerate to me. Often times this finds me in a gullible position. I act as though people are always being genuine to me and looking for my support when this is not always the case.

Another example is times when my friends will be joking about something very serious and I believe them (we often have dark humor). My default emotion is not to joke around and say, “Oh, shut up, you’re shitting me,” even if they often are. Habitually, this seems like it would be embarrassing, but any shame I have left me years and years ago. I would rather be caring all the time (and, subsequently, when it matters) than make jokes and be funny the one time it’s not a joke, but that’s just my opinion.

The obvious solution would be to harden myself and not always look to help, but I don’t want to do that. I’ve always considered myself an extremely empathic person, and I intend to keep it that way. I see this not as a listening problem, but as a strength. It’s really hard to genuinely care about people, especially most the people you meet. My empathy is part of who I am. It’s what got me my job. Empathy as a skill is much more powerful than most people would believe. It helps me be who I am and be approachable.

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Active listeners

Knowing someone who is an effective listener it is a great thing because then you know that you have someone who will listen to you and or give you advice.  I am grateful that I have a couple of effective listeners in my life.  One of them being one of the most influential people in my life and she has taught me a lot about life and I can only hope that I will grow up to be half as great as she is.

Her name is Mrs. Manter, she is like my second mom.  I love my mom very much but Mrs. Manter is like my mom and everyone else’s mom at school.  She is a very kind person and is always there to listen and give advice when we needed it.  She has taught me so many things that have made part of who I am today.  I have known her for five years now and when I graduated high school it was very hard for me because she has always been there for me and listened to me.  I used to be at school until about five o’clock at night Monday through Friday for swim practice and she just made it really fun.  Almost everyone who had her as a teacher or a coach knew that she was someone that you can go to and just talk.  She was always there to listen.

I think that just knowing someone really well and knowing them for a long time can help you feel more comfortable with sharing things about your life with them.  Those are the kind of people that you know you can trust and talk to about anything that is happening in your life.  Just talking to someone and knowing that they have your back is good.  I am glad that Mrs. Manter is in my life she is an amazing teacher and she will always make an effort to help people.  Iv’e known her for five years now and i’m glad that she has been a part of my life thus far.

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An Amazing Friend

I would describe my friend from home to be an effective listener, She is the type of girl who wants eye contact when receiving or talking to someone. She will turn her body to your direction and although she does not realize it she leans very close to you and shows that she is listening by nodding her head.Before she gives any feedback she always waits until one is done talking. Then she ask whether I would like her opinion after making a comments. I would name her as an effective listener because she takes into consideration opposing views. For example, when Milo Yiannopoulos came to give a speech at UC Davis she obviously did not agree with his views, but she knows how  important it is to learn about opposing viewpoints. She is willing to listen and it does not matter whether you are different or have an opposing viewpoint. She takes your point into consideration she may not agree with you, but she will explain why she disagrees and expresses her viewpoint respectfully.

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Active Listening

I feel as if I’m able to focus my attention on whatever I’m doing whenever I’m online or not. And my score on the Multitasking and Attention quiz seems to reflect this. I am able to work on one task at a time without getting easily bored or distracted, and complete my work efficiently. I find listening to music that doesn’t have any lyrics can help me concentrate much better on whatever I’m working on, as opposed to music with vocals that could distract me. And listening to music is usually one of the first things I’ll do if I want to focus on a task and complete it without distraction.

My primary listening style would most likely be content-oriented listening. As I enjoy learning more about things I find interesting, and asking questions to learn more about those things. And my secondary listening style is time oriented listening. According to research findings, women are more likely to use people or content oriented listening styles and men are more likely to use action or time oriented listening styles. So my results differ from the research findings, but I find that I tend to use different listening styles when I’m in different moods or when talking to people with other listening styles.

I can try to avoid selective listening behavior when talking with people by hearing out what they have to say, and asking them why they feel that way about something. I can think of a recent time when I was talking with my dad when I disagreed about his view on a topic, and I had already heard him explain his thoughts on it many times before, so I didn’t pay much attention to what he was saying at the time. He has strong opinions on lots of things, and when he talks about those things it’s impossible to convince him otherwise. So the best thing I can try to do is avoid those topics altogether when talking with him.